No One Is As Lucky As Us.

I'm really trying to keep this updated, but it's quite difficult since the semester is winding down. So many final papers and projects to do.

I was sick for the majority of Thanksgiving break. I'll elaborate on this later though, once I'm sure everything has blown over, since I want to write an in depth and pretty deep blog regarding this.

I had an odd experience today. I ventured to a place I hadn't been in years. It wasn't necessarily by choice, but more so by necessity. I went to the place in an entirely different context that I used to, and it really changed the entire atmosphere of being there. It wasn't necessarily awkward or unsettling, just odd. It also caused me to reflect on my past memories of the place, and question them in a different light.

I really dislike when people don't put in effort to something that they chose to do. Especially when others around them are putting in so much. It really is unfair. I can't say that I won't feel happy and satisfied when it comes back to haunt you.

People cannot drive. /end condensed yet forceful rant

Blueberry muffin poptarts = new favorite breakfast food. Go try them. Epic noms.

Paramore is amazing at making Mondays seem better.

Since when is Brand New a post-rock band? Some of the songs on their new album are almost listenable. Almost.

My girlfriend = amazing. For many, many reasons. The specific one I'm choosing to emphasize right now is that she takes care of me when I'm sick. Even if it means developing a horribly erratic sleep schedule for an extended week. Love <3.

All The World's A Stage And We Are Home Again

I apologize to anyone who actually reads this for not updating in a long while. I've been so insanely busy, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but I just haven't had time to update. There's so much to say, so I'm hoping that I can remember everything and get it all down.

First off, the semester is coming to a close. Thanksgiving weekend starts tomorrow night. I've finished the majority of my work for the semester, although I have some large final assignments to tackle. This semester flowed a lot more smoothly then I originally thought it would, but I am in no way complaining. I've spent a lot more time doing work than in previous semesters (which was even observed by my father, but we shall talk about him later), but the important thing is that I'm trekking through it. I wish I could have seen some friendly faces more often, but I will make it a point to do some catching up over Christmas break.

Since Thanksgiving weekend is almost upon us, that means that Black Friday is right behind it. I'm not happy at all that I have to be at work at 4:30am (or be up at 3:30am), but I'm even less happy about the concept of Black Friday. Blatant and rampant materialism and consumerism. I'm not going to get all political, as I hate politics to no end, but the whole concept of Black Friday just bugs me. Getting up at ungodly hours for a "good" deal. *headdesk*

After almost having completed a full year's worth of Art and the World, I'm walking away from it with a considerably larger knowledge of art than I walked into it with. I can't say I really enjoy the class (or the passive-aggressive teacher) very much, but it is informative, and she is definitely knowledgeable about the subject. However, I feel like I'm walking away from the class with something I didn't expect to get out of it: a solidified atheism.

I wasn't brought up in a religious household, but I've had a fair amount of experience with many religions, specifically Christianity. I've been an Agnostic for a long time, years, but never really a convinced atheist. It's not that I really had any desire to believe in a higher being, I just never made an attempt to approve or disprove it. I was an apathetic agnostic, if you will. But after sitting through Art and the World and seeing the formation of the Christian religion, it really, almost unconsciously, showed me how bogus the Christian religion is. I've read plenty about the lack of facts and the hypocrisy that is involved with it, I agreed with almost all of it, had debates and deep conversations about it, but I always kept an open mind. It seems like my mind has finally decided to shut. Or almost. I can't say that I really have a closed mind about anything (or very few things at least), but I'm pretty sure that my mind is pretty set at the moment.

My relationship with my father has never been good for very long. It has been stable at best, enjoyable in very small quantities, and overall not a pleasant experience. I've never really spoken about this subject openly, short of a few people, but I think expressing it in this outlet will do me good. I'm going to spare the details for the honest reason that they are irrelevant to me. Simply put, we do not get along. It used to just be him walking all over me. For a long time. Then I grew up. Within the past five years, it dawned on me, and I decided to stop taking his ridiculousness. As with the end of all power regimes, there was resistance. A resistance that continues until the present day. He resisted my mother when she stood up for herself, and he has done the same to me.

I can't say I have a great relationship with my mother either, as I definitely don't, but it includes a different type of dysfunction. My father makes mistakes and tries to cover them up and justify them to himself by offering bribes. My mother makes mistakes and begs pathetically for forgiveness. The latter is the lesser of two evils I suppose, but neither is very appetizing.

My musical tastes have been changing. They have been for a while. I'm still listening to a good amount of metal, but I've moving more and more towards the progressive side. I've also been listening to a lot more rock and even a little bit of pop. I got into metal for stereotypical reasons. I though life sucked, people sucked, and that loud, raw music was the perfect outlet. And it was. But now that I'm maturing, I have other musical needs. Metal will always be my genre of choice, but my specific preferences are evolving. To cite specifics, Devin Townsend has been one of my favorite musicians for a while now. With the release of his latest album, Addicted, the title could be used as a very adequate description of my opinion towards it. It's an amazing album, and is metal at heart, but draws on so many different types of influences, it's mind boggling. Metal, rock, pop, country, electronica, dance. It has everything. The man is a damn genius.

Last and most certainly not least. My girlfriend. Oh what to say. Tis been almost four months now, and it has been my most successful and gratifying relationship to date. By a long shot. That really blows my mind. We haven't even known each other a year and already have a connection that I can't say parallels with any other connection that I have or have had with anyone else. Like I said, mind blowing. I'd like to think that I'm not being naive, as I have never (in any recent years) been one to do so about these things, but I'm quite confident that I'm not. The facts don't lie. If the relationship were to end tomorrow, I would still deem it my most successful. Hands down. I've learned more about one single person, about myself, and about people in general, in the last eight or so months than I ever have in the past. She's been through so much, and has more strength than anyone else I know. She knows what she wants out of life, and is thankful for everything that she has. Including me. And I love her very much for that <3.

And this concludes probably the largest blog I will ever write. I hope that I will now be able to update more frequently, so as to not have to do this in the future.

I shall leave with some lyrics by the almighty Devin. These lyrics don't have any specific significance for me, but they've been in my head all day, and it's a really good line.

All the worlds a stage and we are home again.

And then we found it all caged inside a dream

As I've said many times, I'm quite bad at updating this. I have had an excuse for the last few days though, as i was barely home between Wednesday and Sunday. The highlight of that time was my love's sister's sweet 16.

Aided by a constant supply of Jack and Cokes that were fed to me by none other than my girlfriend's father, I had quite a good time. Over the course of the weekend, I was introduced to much of the family, and all were quite welcoming in their greetings. It made me feel quite accepted, and it's good to know that not only does my girlfriend appreciate me, but she communicates this to her family, which causes them to do so as well.

The semester is at it's midpoint. I've gotten a substantial amount of work done thus far, and I'm planning out the rest as best I can. As stressful as it was to start, I know that as long as I keep pushing through, I'll be just fine and make it to the end without a problem.

I still need to see Saw VI. And re-watch the other five before I do so.

I've been wanting to make salmon salad for weeks and still need to.

My girlfriend is absolutely and unequivocally amazing <3

Oh and I've been listening to a lot of Scar Symmetry lately, and felt that these lyrics bare some significance to my life currently. Kind of how I've moved past things onto bigger and better ones, and looking back and wondering why I didn't do so sooner. The paths may be unknown, but I'm damn sure that they're good.

Now it's time to turn the page we've waited for so long
Waiting for the dawn to come when we control the sun
Now it's time to go beyond, revealing the concealed
Leaving all the things we know to view the paths unknown

Many good things to say....

But not enough time to say them! Busy busy. Hopefully I will update tomorrow night or Tuesday.

Time will not heal, all of your pain. I cannot wait until it all comes crashing...

Wow I'm really bad at updating this lately.

I had a realization about fear yesterday. It is quite difficult for us to understand why were used to be afraid of something once we actually overcome it. At one point, we may cringe even at the thought of something, but once we have conquered that fear, we often cannot understand how we were once afraid. This doesn't apply in all situations, but quite often with fears that are 'grown out of'.

It baffles me how some people set themselves up to get hurt, almost as if they want it to happen. They put themselves in situations that they know (and have openly stated) would be detrimental to them, and yet choose to stay rooted in that situation until it's inevitable fallout. Even when it falls out, they tend to return for more abuse later on. Such self-masochist behavior seems, to me, to be caused by many other underlying issues.

I'm looking forward to this weekend and the next. Party time and Halloween time! Both with my love! <3

Some people will make damn good listeners, but bad psychologists.

The first born narcissist theory is true. Or at least in this case.

The album Shogun gets better and better the more I listen to it.

I enjoy the smell of both freshly cut grass and gasoline, especially in the same day.

Stop writing sex mail if you have a fucking Jesus lanyard.

In the Valley of Cherrys, I consume the Congo

I just finished one of my many papers this semester, and have decided to take a little break before I move on to other work. Which means time to blog.

I have three exciting weekends coming up. This coming weekend is Comic Con, where my inner nerd can run free and I can blow all of my money on useless merchandise. The following weekend, I get to spend time with my love at her sister's sweet 16 and consume lots of fancy food, as well as cake. The weekend after is Halloween, which means mass chaos and shenanigans, as well at the release of Saw VI. Once all of this schoolwork is done, I'm quite sure October with be an enjoyable month.

I'm stumped as to how Cherry Valley makes their sandwiches so damn good.

I made a Twitter recently and I'm quite enjoying it. It's quite convenient to update from my phone, and I find myself doing so when I see or overhear a funny quote or an interesting conversation. I expected it to be quite similar to Facebook, but it's a lot more unique than i previously thought.

Exivious: Jazz fusion progressive metal band. Fucking sweet.

Hiyah!

Finally a Real Entry

Geez it's been a while. Loads of school work. But now that I finally have the time, there's a lot I'd like to say. Hopefully I can remember it all.

The first thing that comes to mind is something I've been lacking lately, sleep. I'm not even going to talk about dreams right now (I think I may have a while ago), but just the concept of sleep itself. Sleep is something I quite enjoy. I keep my room like an icebox year round just so that it feels even warmer under the covers. To immerse yourself in sleep is to detract yourself from the world and let your body (pretty much) shut off. It's such an interesting concept that so many of us enjoy a state that is the closest, non harmful state to death. Even more so since we dislike waking up. You'd think it would be a joy to us to return to the mobile world, but we really do enjoy our detachment.

Recently, the cold weather has really been making it's way into the weather forecast. Although not brutally cold, some days warrant at least a light sweatshirt. I find the cold weather to be quite bittersweet. The cold itself doesn't necessarily bother me, but the winter time itself usually puts me in a somewhat negative mood. The thing that I dislike the most is the fact that it gets darker earlier. I'm not really sure why this bothers me, unless I have some unconscious psychological urge for light (which doesn't sound completely crazy), but it's something that I always notice and wait diligently for it to change at the end of the season.

This may just be me, but have you ever noticed the change in light when a tree in your neighborhood is cut down? You don't notice until it happens, but the sunlight shines through the trees in very particular ways that we come to be familiar with. When the tree is gone, the light shines completely differently. It's something I've always noticed since I was a kid, and realized how we never notice something like that until it changes.

There's several other topics that I've been thinking about, but this is good for now. I'm quite content.

Speaking of being content, I'm more than content with life currently. Happy times. As usually, several little issues, but nothing I can really complain about. The good things are definitely tipping the scale.

I'm really into Porcupine Tree lately.

I made a twitter because I'm tired of Facebook not functioning. Follow me! (down to the valley below. See! Porcupine Tree!)

I've rediscovered the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Oh and Nutella. Good stuff.

I've Been (In) Absent(ia) Lately.

Curse my busy schedule that keeps me from blogging! I actually have a lot I've been wanting to talk about, but I've been buried under piles of schoolwork. And unfortunately, I'm still going to have to wait. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to get on here and empty my brain a bit. Things have been going quite amazingly, but I still have things I wanted to discuss. Soon I hope!

You've Got to Reach a Little More

I'm currently so tired that I am suffering from a loss in motor function. But I haven't updated in a week. Fun things, funny things, happy things, and several slightly sad things.

Do your job. Be productive. Plain and simple. And be mature about it.

Psychoanalyzation is an interesting concept. Quite a conversation starter. Freud aside.

The Belt Parkway and I can be friends, but only during off hours.

New Scar Symmetry was quite disappointing.

New Paramore is quite amazing.

Colder weather. Definitely bittersweet. I'll elaborate on this later.

Wine is interesting.

I'm fond of buttondowns and should wear them more often.

I enjoy conversations about asylums but wish they were able to last longer.

Happy six months of recovery to my love. I know that there are many, many more ahead. :-)

Sleep now.

If There's No One Beside You When Your Soul Embarks...

Never once have I ever overcome a fever in 8 hours before. I got sick yesterday while at school, at around 2pm. I went to the doctor, where i was told that I had a fever, and either the flu, step, or some ambiguous bug. I laid around in a semi-conscious state for several hours, when suddenly, around 10pm, I felt fine. I went to bed, thinking that I was probably just experiencing a good spell. I woke up this morning completely well and devoid of sickness. I'm quite proud of my immune system, and would give it a big high five if it was possible.

I watched the season premier of the new show Flash Forward last night. I'm hooked already. The basic pot is that everyone in the world blacks out for 2 minutes and 17 seconds, and has a vision of what they will be doing 6 months in the future. This sets off a whole string of events that I won't spoil. Go watch it!

School is keeping me busy. It still stresses me, but I feel like I've put everyone in perspective for the rest of the semester. There's no point in wasting energy on freaking out about things. If I have something to get done, I'm going to do it, and that's that.

I have so much new music that I want to listen to. It's quite insane. The fact that I currently don't have an Ipod makes it more difficult, so I'm going to end up having to burn 15 CD's and listen to them in the car. Oh well, minor setback.

I've had a mixture of Your Heart is an Empty Room and I Will Follow You into the Dark by Death Cab stuck in my head for the last 24 hours.

My 8 hours of sickness and my minor stress about school is all I can complain about. Things are good and happiness reigns. Woo!

'There's a time and a place for everything" -some professor guy

Musings on Relationships and Employment

As I've stated in previous entries, feelings of paranoia and stress has always been a commonality for me when starting a relationship. I used to worry myself to no end about the state of the relationship, and would go crazy trying to figure out what my counterpart felt or thought. I am infinitely grateful that this is not currently the case, and I have finally figured out why it is so. I've cited communication as a factor before, but I'd like to introduce two new elements: trust and reciprocation.

Trust is an aspect that has been present in my previous relationships, but always took a decent amount of time to manifest and solidify. Whether it be because of the preceding friendship or just a strong bond of communication, I find that trust was/is very easy to obtain in my current relationship, and I'm quite certain that that goes for both of us.

Reciprocation of feelings and effort is also something that always existed in the past to some degree, but never as much and as early on. Almost always, I was the one putting so much into the relationship, at least at first, and often times later on as well. While I didn't necessarily mind at the time, I have come to realize that full reciprocation is a wonderful thing, and frankly, I shouldn't have settled for half-assed reciprocation in the past. I'm quite glad that I no longer have to.

Switching topics a bit, I really do hate the see other people's relationships fail. Especially in instances where they could have been fixed. Or even more so when the relationship shouldn't have happened in the first place. If something doesn't click, I don't believe it should be forced, no matter how much anyone wants it to. Life is too short to cut your own puzzle pieces. Find one that fits and you'll be much better off. And much happier.

I have a strong desire to find a new job. I've been at Target for two years now, and even working there one day a week is too much for me. I do enjoy (most of) the people who work there, but I cannot stand the environment and the physical appearance of the store. It's too familiar to me. I've seen sections alternate and change many times. I'm coming up on my third Halloween there. I've eaten in bland, grey break room more times that I care to count. I find it odd that I'm still quite dedicated to my work, but I feel infinitely confident that I could be so much more dedicated somewhere else. Now I just have to make the initiative to find that 'somewhere else'.

Wow, it's been a week. School is starting to pick up the pace a bit, and in turn, so is the stress. I was plagued by stress for the majority of the last week, but I am currently quite content. Sometimes I just need a smack in the face to make me wake up and see that these things really are tolerable.

You can find out so much about people just by connecting information about them together. They tell you one thing one day, and another thing a week later, and you can make a connection between the two and learn something new, just by being observant.

I'm always nervous at the start of relationships. Since the first time I've ever been in one, it's a feeling that always hits me right away. Currently though, I am much less stressed out than I've been in the past. I attribute this to strong comunication and legitimate functionality, two things I don't normally start relationships with, but definitely have this time around. Good sign? You bet.

I do my job. I do more than my job. But I'm not going to do your job.

I really want to have a Robin Williams movie marathon at some point soon.

This is the Sound of Settling

I feel like the second week of school has started off much better than the first. Not that the first was all that bad, but I'm much more comfortable in many aspects.

First, and probably the most obvious, I have somewhat of an idea of what the semester is going to be like in terms of the workload. It's going to be a bit tough at times, but I don't envision it being unbearable. I'm happy with my classes for the most part, and nothing seems too difficult. At least not yet. I feel my selection of classes has the potential to teach me quite a bit this semester.

Second of all, I feel like I've made a lot of life progress recently. For one, I've resolidified friendships that had dwindled during the summer, and possibly even helped them progress further. Also, I've worked on crafting and solidifying a relationship that has been going extremely well so far. It's amazing how much stress relief, positivity, and happiness a functional relationship can bring, and for that I am quite grateful.

Even though most of the people reading this won't have any idea what I'm talking about, I feel it necessary to mention that the new Threat Signal (amazing melodic/tech metal band who I've been following for some time now) album leaked, and it just blew me away. Their first album was absolutely amazing, and after going through many line up changes, I didn't think they would be able to top it. Thankfully, I was quite wrong. I downloaded the album about four days ago, and it has yet to be ejected from my car's CD player. Ironically, my two favorite songs on the album are entitled Through My Eyes and Another Source of Light. I find this ironic because I feel like those two phrases are quite prevalent to my life right now.

A certain person needs to make a decision before they hurt someone. Someone who is close to both them and I. Stop being selfish and make up your mind, or else you'll end up with nothing.

As I've restated several times already in previous entries, things are going quite well. Nothing deserves a complaint at the moment, and few things even deserve a declaration of annoyance. Ahh life.

Beginnings

It's official. Sophomore year of college has begun. Now that I'm almost done with my first week, I feel like a have a good idea of how the semester is going to go. Some aspects are definitely going to be tough, but if I keep on top of things, I'm confident that I'll be alright.

I'm currently somewhat stressed. This is normal of me when change comes about. Topics such as school, relationships, and friends, are all things that have changed for me recently, and all in positive ways. But I'm always a bit scared that things are going to fall short. I'm sure this feeling will pass, as it usually does, but I can't say that not a bit shaky. I have large amounts of confidence in all aformentioned issues though, and I will use that to help me through this minor turbulence.

One Addition to My Previous Post

One more things. The purpose of helping people is to make them more prepaired to deal with situations in the future. Through their problems, they learn what or what not to do in the future. But this should not make them afraid to encounter future situations. That is what I just realized. A balance is needed, as in all things. People must learn to be alert, but not afraid. They must be wary of future situations, but not afraid to take them on. If they are afraid, they may be to scared to accept anything new and may let something good pass them by, which is the ultimate loss.

I don't really know why this all flowed from my brain, but I definitely attribute it to my clear state of mind, and as I said in my previous post, I'm extremely greatful and happy to have it.

A Psychological Revelation

Something just occured to me. Sometimes things are complicated. Very complicated. But sometimes, from a different point of view, they're so simple. After looking at a complicated situation from a distance, I realized how simple it can be to me when my own situation is so simple and my mind is clear and calm. Sometimes things just don't click for people. It's happened to me countless times. But when something clicks for you, and your eyes are opened, even other people's complicated situations become simple for you. That's the key to helping others. To help yourself first. I realized that a while ago, but not on this level. Clarity in your own mind makes you see through the distortion in the minds of others. In this way, you are more capable of bringing clarity to them. Such is the goal.

I can't even express how greatful and happy I am to be in a simple (as in problem-free) and calm situation. And therefore, a simple and calm mindset.

I find it very ironic that I'm talking about clarity, seeing through distortion, and helping others, when I've been listening to the song entitled Through My Eyes by Threat Signal all day.

(A) Movement From Dischord (into serenity)

I have no idea where the last week has gone in terms of me updating, although I have been somewhat busy. I've done a lot of driving specifically, but all with good reason.

As the summer comes to a close in less than a week, I'm trying to make the most of what is left. If there is any more enjoyment that is able to be squeezed out, I intended to find it and leave the rind dry.

As I have said in previous posts, even though summer is coming to an end, I am quite happy. Not so much because I'm going back to school (as that is bittersweet), but because of other aspects in life, specifically other people. Things seem to be relatively stress free, and with the exception of school, it seems that they are going to stay this way for a while. Or at least I hope so. I couldn't ask to be anything more than calm, comfortable, and happy. Except maybe monetarily well-off. But that's something to work for.

Four a.m. seems to be my consistant new bed time. I find it funny that it gets later as school gets closer.

If the new Threat Signal album doesn't leak soon, my head may explode.

I am quite exited for this weekend. I hope it will give the summer a perfect ending.

Boats, Tree Bark, and Winding Down.

Tonight I was on a boat. The most boring boat ride of my life. If it hadn't been for my mother's birthday, I would have been much more annoyed. I did get to try filet mignon though, and it did not disappoint.

Yesterday afternoon concluded a period of time in which i was nauseous for almost 48 hours straight, thanks to some homemade spanish liquor from hell. Never will I drink anything made from roots, leaves and tree bark. Lesson learned.

Besides those two complaints, I am doing quite well. Summer may be winding down, but I am making the most of the remaining weeks. I'm quite happy with the direction that things are going, and as anxious I am to see how they will turn out, I know that being patient and letting things progress naturally is worth it.

I'm happy that I now own a sport jacket that actually fits me.

I really want to finish Outliers before school starts.

A Carousel of Thoughts

Geez how the days fly by. I really intend to update this more often, but I've been quite busy lately. Although busy isn't the word, because that has sort of a negative connotation. I've been occupied. Involvedish.

Many things have happened in the past week.

I have accidentally resurfaced relations with someone who I have a great dislike for. This individual's lack of logic or intelligence baffles me, and even more so because they think that they possess both in quite larges amounts. I do not see them amounting to much of anything, or contributing anything of value to the world in their lifetime. I am normally not this negative in my thoughts regarding others, or at least not openly. I also usually try to find some reason to explain why I don't get along with certain people, but my problems with this individual lie in their own, self made, faults.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, though, there is definitely an abundance of positivity. I am giving a warning though, prepare for vagueness for a good portion of it.

In previous situations, I have searched for certain characteristics only to settle on ones I found similar or thought to be equal in construction. Currently though, I am not settling. In fact, I'm doing quite the opposite. I also feel that I've never been able to have full communication. Almost full, but never an exact. It is this exact that brings such positivity. I also have realized what the necessary prerequisties are to have this exact, and I find it funny that I did not realize it before. One must travel down before they travel up. And one who knows the downward road is best aquainted with one who knows the same road, especially if they have both traveled it so far as to see the road ascend. Those who have not traveled may only learn so much from a map.

Thoughts of the school year have been swirling around in my head incessantly. I do have high hopes though. Quite high. I'm definitely planning continuing down this road, slow and steady, with a keen eye and open arms. <--- Most cliche sentence I've ever wrote. Purposely.

I'm jealous of the NJ Transit terminal. For two reasons.

I still don't understand the dancer and the doctor.

No, she did not have a midget name.

Christmas in August, Luaus, Friends, and Food

I was not aware that Christmas was in August. Judging from the hordes of people who stampeded into Target today, you would have thought it was. I have never seen it as busy as it was today before, at least, October. I have no idea what caused this mad rush, but I'm glad I got out at 5.

I attended a luau last night. It seemed odd to me before I actually went (honestly I didn't even decide to go until a few hours before), but I actually had a really good time. It was supposed to be a luau, but it was pretty much a group of people sitting around a table, munching on hamburgers, watermelon, and shark-shaped fruit snacks, while surrounded by Hawaiian-style decorations and an animal-themed totem poll. I'm not quite sure where the totem pole fit into the style of the party, but it was a common conversation piece throughout the night.

I'm glad I went. While I'm content with my current groups of friends, I'm always open to meeting new people. Before last night, I barely knew any of the people at the party (yet I work with all of them), but they were nice enough to invite me to their party, and were quite welcoming. It's refreshing to have experiences like that, especially when certain friends are acting in the opposite way recently. I do hope I get the chance to enjoy the company of the luau bunch again before everyone goes back to school. If I don't though, that's just another group of people who I will look forward to seeing during the holidays.

I've become obsessed with this place called Bourbon Street in the food court in the mall. They have mainly Chinese food like lo mein, egg rolls, and various types of asain chicken, but with some great American hits like mashed potatoes and mac and cheese. I can't believe how much (great tasting) food they give for charging so little charge. Plus if you buy 9 meals, you get the 10th free. I'm baffled by the value.

I have high hopes for the band The Fortune Teller.

I've made a to-do list for this Tuesday and I'm really aiming to get most of the things on it done.

I also forsee Wednesday being a good day. Just a hunch.

Edit, Conversation, and School

After rereading my last post, I realized that it was somewhat confusing to me, and probably even more confusing to anyone who happened to read it. I pretty much just spilled my thoughts out, without really formulating them (somewhat) coherently as i usually do. For that, I appologize.

Today consisted of two seperate conversations with two different people that threw me in two different directions, one negative, one positive. Im really glad that the positive one came second.

I'm not sure how I feel about school starting back up in less than a month. I do miss certain aspects of it, but the thought of piles of textbooks to read and essays to write does not exactly make me feel all warm and fuzzy. I'm entering this year a lot differently than last though. I'm surrounded by a different set of people this time, but definitely in a good way. This includes both friends at Adelphi and friends elsewhere. I feel like life is more stable now that it was this time last year, and for that I'm greatful. For now though, I'm going to focus on enjoying the rest of the summer. Speaking of which, I think I'm going to watch some In Treatment tonight.

Brain Mush

I've always gone back and forth and whether it's a good thing or not that I'm an emotional person. It's something that I could never come up with a definitive answer for, and currently, I'm still stumped. Within the last couple years, I've definitely harnessed my emotion and directed it towards positive things, but sometimes it's quite difficult to keep it under control when I encounter certain situations. Betrayal of trust, seeing bad things happen to good people, or even seeing good things happen to bad people are all things that cause my emotions to flare up. An emotional flare up causes me to painstakingly assess my current state, and analyze whether I've really gotten myself into a good position. It also gives my stomach a feeling of extreme uneasyness that I cannot get sued to, no matter how many times I've had it. Finally, it causes me to be quite critical of people, whether that be good or bad. I've been told sometimes being extremely critical of someone can be the absolute best thing to help them, but I'm not completely convinced. Tearing a person down so that they can build themselves back up may help, but only if they want to build themselves back up. And once they rebuild, it's imperative that they stick with their new constructed self concept, or they will cause all of their hard work to be meaningless. Tearing them down can be either the best or worse thing you can do for them. I've done it before with positive results, but the ideas of the negative still scare me. And the more you care about the person, the harder it is to do. But then again, the more you care about the person, the more you want to help them. Therein lies the double edged sword of a situation.

This did not really flow well, but I didn't expect it to. It served it's purpose, and for that I will save it here.

One more. For one reason. Even though I shouldn't. P.M.W.

Ah Life.

Didn't even realize that I haven't updated this in a week. It's been with good reason though, as I've been busy. Not busy in a bad way though. Not at all. I would write out everything that's happened, but I feel like everyone who needs to know what's been going on does. I will say though, that I am quite content with life at the moment.

There are several issues, unrelated to personal things, that I wanted to write about, but those will be saved for a later date. Right now I'm going to savor the eve of my day off from work.

A Rare Sting of Boredom

This is the first night in a while that I'm actually extremely bored. There is literally no one around, and I'm baffed as to why. I really hope that my week will get more exciting, although I'm quite sure that it will. That's about it for now, as I am off to attempt to deal with this mundane situation by doing something constructive.

Irony, Handcuffs, Transition

I'm glad today is Saturday, because I needed a day off from work.

Various situations of irony have consumed my life and I find it hilarious. Well maybe not consumed, but they're definitely present.

Completely unrelated, one of my managers was taken out in handcuffs from work yesterday. I didn't quite get the full story, but the story that I heard from a very reliable source makes me a bit sad. I wasn't really friends with him, but I knew him and conversed with him on a regular basis in an acquaintance sort of way, and had established in my head that he seemed to be a genuinely good person. A real family man, who may have not loved his job, but wouldn't even think about quitting unless he found a better opportunity to provide for his wife and kids. Maybe that's related to why he was arrested. Without the full story, it's difficult to judge a motive though, so I won't take this any further at the moment.

At band practice last night, I realized something. The whole band is finally coming together as more than just band members but as friends. This type of transition first occured to me in my first band, when we recruited a vocalist. At first, he would just come to practice, and all conversations between him and the band would be music related. After several months of being in the band, he assimilated into our group of friends, and stopped being just our vocalist. The same has happened in my current band. When I first joined, I was just the new drummer, but soon after, I actually became friends with the rest of the band, and hung out with them outside band practice. It seems like this process is solidifying with our new guitarist. This kind of stuff makes me fell confident in the band overall, and I honestly feel like it affects the music positively as well.

I'm also currently reading a book called Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. It's apparently somewhat popular, but I just started reading it because of a recommendation from a friend. I'm not far into it yet, but I'll probably update with my thoughts on it later on.

Life Update

Well...where to start. So many things have happened recently. To start, I am no longer in a relationship for the first time in the last two years, and the majority of the last three. I'm not terribly disappointed, in fact I'm very glad that it ended the way it did, because it could have ended much worse. I am slightly bummed (for lack of a better word), but I'm definite filled with positive expectations for the future. These last two years were great, and I thoroughly enjoyed them. What had to happen happened, and there's no reason to live in the past. I'll definitely miss certain aspects, but I can't let these kinds of things pull me down like I've let happen in the past. I can definitely say though, that I've learned a lot, and wouldn't trade the last two years for anything.

In other news, I feel like the factor that inhibits my writing here (see three posts or so ago) is being worked on. That factor is simply that I often have a hard time explaining what I'm thinking in verbal or text form. It makes sense in my head, but I can't quite transfer it to a public realm. I can't really explain how I'm working on it, but I just have a hunch that it is and will become easier as I continue write here.

This isn't quite as important as everything else, but I also got a new computer, which I'm currently on. It's quite awesome, with it's obnoxiously large 23 inch widescreen monitor. I had my previous computer for five years before it finally died out, so I'd say I was definitely in need of a new one.

I'm also in the mindset to catch up with old friends. It just seems like the time to do so. I really don't have a clear idea of who exactly, but I'll figure that out at some point later.

I had a recent headdesk moment, it actually probably deserve two headdesks, but I'm extremely glad that I could clear it up and that the person involved was so understanding about it. Thanks.

I guess that's about it for now. Time to go play around with my new computer :-D

Change

Stuff has settled. Changes have been made. Lets see where it takes me. I'll elaborate on this much more soon.

Lack of Clever Title

So many things going on. And even more things going on in my head. I guess I could probably update better once it's all sorted out, which I have a feeling will be very soon. An ultimatum is close.

Vagueness, Fear, Positivity

There is so much currently on my mind. As I try to gather it all together, there's one thing I realized. I cannot write 100% freely here. That fact has been in the back of my head for a while, but I've only actually admitted it recently.  There is one specific factor that prevents me from doing so. If that factor were to disappear, I feel like I would write much more than just musings and daily activities. But currently, it is in place, and my writing will remain partially stifled, whether I like it or not. 

The last few days have been rough. Nothing really has happened that was all that overwhelming, I'm actually sad to say it's something that I'm partially used to, but it has been mentally exausting nonetheless. I also realized that I no longer have an outlet (specifically a person) to vent these types of issus to. As generally as I'm speaking there, I'm talking about a specific issue, and in the past I've had a person to discuss this specific type of issue with. I currently have anyone currently to with I can talk about this, or at least not someone who is at the same level that previous ones were at. This lacking is not something that is extremely important, but I'm just not used to it. I appologize for vagueness, but please refer to the above paragraph. 

Something else that I've been thinking about is that, while the last few days have been rough, I'm currently in a particularly good mood. While this may seem like a good thing, which it very well may be, it still causes me to really think about my current situation, and how/why I'm happy during a rough time. 

I'm pretty sure I've also figured out my two biggest fears. Number 1: A problem I can't solve. Number 2: Change. I've known Number 1 for a while now, but I seem to keep reinforcing it. I find it extremely difficult to back off from a problem until I solve it, even if it sometimes makes the problem worse by doing so. As for Number 2, Change is a fairly common fear, but I never really though it was something I was afraid of until recently. Ironically enough, though, I can now see it in multiple aspects of my life. Even more ironic, I usually enjoy change after it happens, but actually mustering up the courage to fulfill it is what I get hung up on. Maybe I just taught myself a lesson by writing that. 

Overall, with all that's going on, I'm not scared for once. At least not at the moment. I feel like it changes every once in a while, but I currently have no fear of the near future whatsoever. While I really don't know how things are going to turn out, I welcome the future either way. I've learned to focus on the positive aspects of life when the negative ones show up, and I have way to many positive aspects right now to let something negative pull me down, no matter how big or significant it may be.

Reading this back, I think it's my longest blog to date. It's also the most in depth and person, with is ironic when you read back my first paragraph. 

Weekend Reflection, Push, and Advertisement Loops

After playing a show Friday night, and a show Saturday night, three things happened. First, we actually got paid a significant amount for the Friday show, which is only the second time that's ever happened. Second, we played our first double set show ever on Saturday. And third, I was exhausted when I woke up for work Sunday morning. After getting through Sunday, and having the luxury of only working a five hour shift today, I finally have some time to relax. Getting ten hours of sleep last night was good too. The rest of this week should be be great. Harry Potter at midnight tomorrow, and a party with good people on Friday.

I really want to buy the movie Push. It's been out for a week and I've had the urge to see it again since it came out. I forgot how good it was the first time when I saw it in theaters, and realizing it got released last week reminded me. I have to pick that up after I cash my latest check.

There's an absolutely, terribly corny commerical currently running on the Target looped TV advertisements. As if learning the lyrics to mediocre popular songs wasn't a bad enough side effect of watching the looped TV advertisement at work, now there's an Axe commercial that makes me half crack up with laughter and half want to put my head through the TV. I can't even really describe the commercial, so just go to your local Target store, stand in the electronic section watching the TV's, and wait two minutes or so until the Axe commerical comes on. Only then will you understand. 

Beach and Decision Making

I didn't even realize that I hadn't written anything all week, since the week was relatively uneventful. 

I did realized though, I've been to the beach more this summer so far than I've been to the beach all summer long in at least the past five years. Not to say I wasn't a beach person, but I never really had a huge desire to go there. I enjoy it once I'm there, but the idea of going to the beach never sparked much interest in my head.  This is kind of odd to me, as it alludes to an idea that people (or maybe it's just me) don't know what they want, or at least can't forsee what they would want. This idea is normally more common to relationships than trivial concepts like going to the beach, but the point still stands. Humans are often incapable of accurately judging what they want, and to me, it seems like that stems from an internal battle between both 'want vs. need' and trying to find a situation that is most beneficial.

The differentiation between our wants and needs is something that has plagued human decision-making forever. Do we need this? Is it crucial to our being? Or do we just want it because it will make our being easier or more pleasurable. 

Of course someone doesn't need to go to the beach under normal circumstances, but if they want to, they would most likely weigh the idea against other things they could possibly be doing. This is similar to the Social Exchange Theory of psychology. If nothing else seems like it would be the most beneficial (bring the most pleasure), then they would probably choose to go to the beach, unless their decision is influenced by some other outside factor such as a fear of deep water or a painful memory relating to the beach. Even if it is subconscious, people almost always make decisions by considering the benefits of each choice and weighing them against each other. 

I feel like people often want to choose multiple (or even all) of the outcomes, which leads to a more difficult choice. Leading back to my original point, I think that I personally never have much motivation to go to the beach because I don't forsee it being very much fun. However, I'm usually wrong in this notion, because I almost always have fun once I'm there, providing I go with friends. In this situation, my decision-making process was clouded by an inability to predict a situation that would bring me benefit. I feel like this is a common problem among others, and probably a reason why many people (including myself) are indecisive about many things.

Montauk, Nietzsche

I finally got around to updating this. I had a great time in Montauk, specifically because I got to opportunity to relax and just let my stress dissipate. There's something about the beach that just draws the stress out of you and suffocates it under the waves. I also got to eat some divine tasting Yellowtail Flounder that I was missing since last year's trip. 

I started reading Thus Spoke Zarathustra today, a book that I've been trying to read for a while now. If you're unfamiliar with it, it's by Frederich Nietzsche. I find Nietzsche extremely interesting, specifically because everyone who either writes about him or has ample knowledge about him and his writings always feel that his deteriorated mental state was either contributed to or influenced by his writing. A man who was too intelligent for his own good hmm? Mind boggling. Either way, many of the things he had to say are concepts or ideas that almost any person with half a mind knows, but is either too blind to accept it, or is simply afraid to believe it. Nietzsche has a way of both simplifying an idea and tearing it down to the bare bones of it's meaning, while also elaborating on it and playing with several different meanings or viewpoints in order to figure out either an origin or an end. I've read that he's quite comical at times, but that most of the humor is lost when it is translated from German to English. Such a thing really drives to me to learn German at some point, so I can read his texts in their purest form. 

I'm a kabobsy twin.

Post Prelude to Montauk

I'm home, but I'm too tired to update now. It was a great time, which I'll elaborate on in the near future.

Logic, Prelude to Montauk

In a recent conversation the other day, I noticed something. I was talking to my friend's younger brother (I believe he's 14), and i realized how much I take logic for granted. I was baffled by the fact that the kid not only could not form a logical argument, but he couldn't understand one either.In his mind, something was simply because it was. He didn't wonder why it was that way, or why it wasn't another way, or even the fact that just because something is doesn't mean it's right. The more I thought about it though, the more i realized that it wasn't completely his fault. Logic is an acquired skill (maybe skill isn't the right word?), and you can't really teach it to someone without them figuring out some degree of it for themselves. 

Someone without a logical basis may do something that does not seem logical to everyone else simply because they feel like it or because they wanted to, without rationalizing whether the act is beneficial or harmful to anyone else. Unfortunately though, trying to explain that to them is near impossible, because the simple idea of 'this + this = that' just does not compute for them.

In other news, I'm leaving for Montauk Tuesday morning and will be back briefly on Friday night, and then back permanently on Sunday night. I'm looking forward to it, as Montauk just embodies relaxation and serenity for me. Seafood is good too. I don't even mind the two hour drive, because that's time for massive amounts of music listening. Just one more day of work, and then a week of relaxation. Woo!

Transformers, Justification, and a Small Social Connection

I saw Transformers last night. To sum it up, it was a good action movie, and a terrible Transformers movie. There were some great fight scenes, explosions, and death, but for a true Transformers fan, the amount of sheer idiotic garbage that was packed into it in order to make it appeal to the public was just horrifying. Several examples include a mobster-esque transformer, two twin transformers that were personified to act very much like stereotypical black people, and a horny dog. There was just so many unecessary things that were added, it makes me sad that they couldn't just focus more on the actual Transformers plotline. For further review on this, check out John Miller's blog. 

On a different note, I haven't really done any musing on a deep topic in a while. Today while I was driving to work, I started thinking about the concept of justification. It has such a loose definition, I was (and still am) pretty stumped as how to accurately define it. From what I could come up with, justification is basically any reason given for performing an act. Is there a difference between a justification and a reason, though? A reason seems to me like it's something that's usually accepted as a motive for performing an act, but a justification seems more like an attempt at a reason. It's more common to say that someone is 'trying to justify' something, not that someone 'is justifying' or 'justified' something. That is, unless you're talking about the Justin Timberlake album. Wow that was a pretty bad joke.

I got a Facebook friend request today from someone I haven't spoken to in a few years, and who I barely knew when I did speak to them. It took me by surprise a bit, and I probably read too far into it, but I thought it was nice that someone who I didn't know that much actually remembered me, and took the initiative to make a (albeit small) social connection. 

New Jersey

As I said previously, I got home yesterday from a weekend trip to New Jersey to visit a friend. While I was excited to go, I really had no idea what to expect in terms of what we'd all be doing for the weekend. 

Even though I was only there for the weekend, I had a really great time on multiple levels. I not only got to relax and take a break from work, but I also got to spend time with good people, and I had some really good bonding time with them. Corny? Maybe. True? Definitely.

After having to go through a lot of friend evaluations, some of which happened fairly recently, it's good to know that there are people who I can legitmately say I value as friends and feel that they would say the same. Thanks guys.

*Cue "awwww"*

Brad Pitt.

Radiohead.

GONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

Prelude: New Jersey

I got home today from an awesome weekend in New Jersey. I'll elaborate sometime soon, but I'll just say now that I had a great time with some really great people, and I look foward to future times with them. More to come soon.

Swell

Everything is just swell. I mean that in all seriousness. I'm looking forward to my two trips more and more as they approach, as well as the rest of the summer. Work, band, friends, girlfriend, and free time. That's my life right now, and I'm damn happy about it.

Birds Elope the Sun

Maybe I'll start changing the titles of my posts so that the aren't simply stating what I'm going to talk about it. That way it'll be more of a surprise to everyone who doesn't read it (and to the few who do).

One thing I really enjoy about summer is the lack of responsibility. I have to show up for work on time, and do what is requested of me for eight hours, four days a week. That's it. Any other responsibilities are ones that I've chosen, or are just altogether very simple. Being able to just do whatever I choose when I'm not at work is something that I feel like I'm savoring even more this summer than a normally do. This is probably because my first year of college was a big change from high school. High school was almost a joke in senior year, and I had a lot of free time anyway. Since it became more scarce as a college freshman, I value it a lot more now.

My vacations start next week. First to New Jersey for a weekend, and then a little over a week after that, I'll be going out to Montauk. I honestly don't NEED a vacation, but contrarily, these two trips should add some excitement to my relitively quiet summer so far. I'm not saying that I hate quiet (it's quite the opposite) but my activities so far this summer have been the normal rounds of hanging out with people at this place or that place, and some new scenery is a good thing. The time will also be spent with good people, so that's definitely a plus.

Cockyness makes me laugh, especially when the person has nothing to be cocky about. 

I own the Battle Hall and the Battle Arcade.

The only thing better than Arizona Iced Tea is an Arnold Palmer.

Mind Leak

I'm feeling very odd lately. It's even more odd that I cannot tell whether it's good or bad. If I had to guess, I would say good, but there's no definite at the moment. I don't actually have very much to say at the moment, but there's a lot going on in my head. After Sunday, things should seem more clear. This last week or so has gone well, but it has also caused me to think about many different things. I also have a lot ahead of me this summer, and I'm looking forward to it. I find it funny that this little paragraph is probably the most personal thing I've written on here, albeit extremely general. 

Have you ever noticed a poorly placed emergency water valve?

Peace of Mind

As I had noted previously, I had an in depth argument with my father about the concept of 'peace of mind'. This argument was extremely circular, and while I might discuss it at some point, I would have considered it quite pointless if it had not gotten me to consider the topicof peace of mind more closely. 

In order to have peace of mind, a person must either be content with their current state. This would include the people in their life, their job, their home, and all other aspects that would affect a person's life. It is possible to have partial peace of mind, I would say, if you are content with certain aspects of your current state, but peace of mind may just be the state of overall contentment. 

I would imagine that complete peace of mind would be extremely difficult to attain, and because of that, it is hard to set a standard of what this absolute actually is. I even question that it is even able to be help up to a universal standard, as I'm sure that everyone requires different types of satisfaction in certain areas to achieve peace of mind.

Can you fool yourself into thinking that you have peace of mind when you actually do not? By telling yourself that everything is fine when it really isn't, I don't see why you wouldn't be able to do so. I guess that means that peace of mind also requires an individual to be true to their own feelings. That makes sense though, because someone who has peace of mind is probably also at peace with them self. 

I thought about adding some personal ideas and examples into this, but i decided against it. Maybe at some point in the future I'll do that in other posts. 

Prelude: Peace of Mind

I was having an in depth argument with my father tonight regarding the topic of 'peace of mind', and I hope to reflect on this concept next time that I am able.

Convenience and Evaluation

I dislike inconvenient situations, but savior those which are convenient. I'm sure almost everyone would agree, because the degree of convenience of something is determined by how much benefit a situation would bring to someone versus how much of a cost it would bring. But sometimes, I think we are all guilty of overlooking when situations actually go our way and bring us benefit with little or no cost. It is not that we should be thankful that 'fate' has granted us good fortune or anything like that, but simply that we should savior those times when we have to give up very little in order to gain benefit or happiness. 

I am glad to say that recently I have gone through a sort of 'friend evaluation', where I think about who really has put effort into being aquainted with me and who has not. I've done this a few times before, and I really think it is healthy to do, as it stops me from putting too much effort into friendships and getting nothing back, something I've done in the past. I've also patched up a few old friendships as well, which I also feel is healthy in certain circumstances. 

There was something else I was considering writing about regarding people's behavioral changes in certain situations, but I am going to save it until next time.

Note: I have been trying to write in here without using contractions, and it is actually a lot more difficult than I thought. I have been having to go back and edit them out, including several times in this ending note.

Urge, Generalities About People, and Time

I just sort of had an urge to log in a write something. I haven't written here for a while because I was busy with school and finals and such, but now I'll hopefully get back into the habit. My summer is looking pretty exciting so far.  I'll be going to Jersey and Montauk,  along with playing shows and working. 

Some people really disappoint me. They don't let me down, I just know that they're capable of more than they outwardly express, and disappoint me in terms of not living up to their full potential. Other people just seem to have no logical sense whatsoever. Other other people have odd ways of expressing things. Other other other people are just unique.

I've been thinking about time lately. After communicating across time yesterday (or just having a phone conversation with the other side of the world), I realized that even though time is man made (we've created the unit of week, month, year), there is still a degree to which it exists naturally. Things age even when they do not have a specific age. They simply move from point A to point B. A flower sprouts, blooms, and dies. It does not matter when or for how long, it just is.

Revival soon? Maybe.

Post-Birthday Musings

Well after waking up from 7 hours of sleep that started at 5:15am, I'm pretty sure I can deem my birthday a success (both weekend that I've celebrated), and this weekend has just started. It's nice to know that good people aren't as hard to come by as it sometimes seems.

So I've realized that my dislike for lack of self control in people stems into also disliking when people are easily influenced. Not such much with trivial things, but with things that actually matter. I feel like those are people who I would distance myself from, and I feel like that is going to happen.

I also received some good news today. And good news is good.

Also, I find awkwardness to be funny in retrospect.

Offense, Success, and My Outlook on Marijuana

Wow, I didn't even realize until now that I hadn't posted anything all week. Because of that, there's a few things that have been on my mind.

First off, something happened the other day, and I don't know the last time it happened before that. I was offended. I really don't remember the last time it happened because it's definitely not easy to offended me. Annoying me or making me mad is one thing (even though I tend to let most things slide, besides a few specific issues), but offending me is quite the feat. I'm not going to bother mentioning who it was or what happened specifically, because that really doesn't matter, but I'll just say that it was the way that I was spoken to that really caught me off guard. I don't think it's right for person #1 to speak for person #2, especially when they are both present, and it just makes person #1 seem like a controlling, passive-aggressive ( and maybe even pretentious) person, which they very well may be.

On a much different note, I'd like to speak of success. I have a friend (see "Two Tributes") who is in the process of overcoming a very difficult obstacle, and is progressing extremely well. One of the few things that I admire more than strong effort is an honest success. I just wanted to take this time to express to this person how proud I am of them for what they are doing.

My final musing, in light of tomorrow being 4/20, is on marijuana. While I'm not against it (I'll get to that in a bit), I do think the concept of a "holiday" for it is quite pointless. If you're going to smoke, just do it. Why do you need to mark a day on the calendar for it when you probably do it at least several other times during the year anyway. It doesn't make it any more legal, and it doesn't give you a better high just because it's on a certain day ( maybe the position of the sun and the planets and their gravitational pull on your brain...?). If you're going to smoke, then smoke. I just don't understand why you need to have some celebratory day in marijuana's honor. In my opinion, if you care about it that much, you might want to reevaluate your life and/or check your priorities. In the words of the Human Torch, flame on. Seriously though, I welcome responses to this, whatever your opinion is.

Since I brought this topic up, I figured I'd share my ideas on the actual idea of weed in general. Let's start with the facts. I've never smoked it, and never will. However, it's for a unique reason that is different from most people who don't smoke, yet it's probably a lot more basic. I just don't like the concept of smoking things. The idea of inhaling foreign substances into my lungs isn't exactly my idea of fun. Smoke me up some ham or cheese, but don't bother trying to pass me a joint.

However, as I said before, I'm not against weed completely. Though I have yet to, I have no problem with ingesting it in a non-smoked form. So if you're baking up a batch of you're special brownies, throw a party and I'll probably come down. I'm in no rush though, so if this doesn't happen for a while, that's all well and good.

Happy Pointless Nonexistent Holiday Everyone!

Lighter Notes (Ambient Rock, Technical Death Metal, and Parenthesis)

I find it funny when people are surprised about the music that I listen to. I guess I'm "known" for listening to metal, or maybe I just give off that vibe (?), but people are always shocked to believe that I listen to other types of music too. I guess because they see a lot of the music that I listen to as drastically different from the rest, which I guess it is in a way, but it's all enjoyable nonetheless. A friend at school the other day was very surprised when he found out that I listen to Death Cab For Cutie. That doesn't mean that I can't listen to Necrophagist too. Ambient rock and technical death metal are extremely different (obviously), but that doesn't really matter to me if it sounds pleasing coming through my headphones or speakers.

I've often used to say that I dislike untalented music, but recently I've rephrased that; I dislike distasteful music. Music that is either overly simple or too complicated (of course, based on my own opinion) are two factors that push me away from listening to certain bands. People who are familiar with the two bands that I mentioned earlier (Death Cab For Cutie and Necrophagist) might claim that the fit into those two categories respectively, but I disagree. I do not have a reason why, except that I simply find both bands (and many on the spectrum in between) to be very listenable and talented in their own way. Death Cab can generate a huge amount of feeling and emotion out of the simplest guitar chords and drum beats, while Necrophagist can blow my mind with the sheer speed and technicality that they play. Each is different to listen to, but equally satisfying.

I've also been in a parenthesis phase (can you tell?), and I find that amusing as well, because I never realized how important or useful they are. They're like little pockets that you can stuff with information and put it basically wherever you want in a sentence, provided that the sentence still makes sense and the purpose of your it isn't diluted. Whenever I read something that has parenthesis, I always imagine the author changing their tone of voice (or at least the tone of the reading voice in my head changes), which really helps me to get more out of what I'm reading. By sticking words in parenthesis, you can completely alter how a reader perceives and comprehends what you're saying. By sticking words in parenthesis, you can completely alter how a reader perceives (and comprehends) what you're saying. That probably wasn't the best example, but, to me, it put different emphasis on the words "perceives" and "comprehends". Reading this back, I feel like I just tried to each a lesson on grammar. Mental note: Musings probably should not include grammar lessons.

The Reason of Happenings

I have said for a long time that I believe that "everything happens for a reason" and only today did I figure out that this was false. If I say that "everything happens for a reason", that statement assumes the existence of fate, which would then really mean that "everything in the chronology of existence and being has a purpose for happening". Since I do not believe in a definite predetermination of actions, I, therefore, do not agree with the first statement.

Instead, I offer the alternative saying of "We should make all happenings have a reason". This means that while all things that happen may not have a reason for happening (because they are not predetermined), we should live our lives in a way that we learn from all of our actions, the actions of others, and the events that happen around us. In this way, we make our own reasons (our learning experiences) for all things that happen. We should not let the world pass us by and not use it's events to our advantage. Through this process, we can forward our intelligence, our personal morality, and our relationships with others. I believe that these three factors are the core of our mental (and physical) existence, so their maintenance through "making all happenings have a reason" is surely crucial to a happy existence.

A Slightly Cynical View of the Term "American"

I was involved in a discussion today in one of my classes about what it means to be an American. Some people felt that it meant to be involved in the American system (politics, the economy) and others felt that it simply meant to live here. I feel like if you do #2, you're probably doing #1, although I guess that isn't the case 100% of the time. I've met others who relate being an American to appreciating freedom and taking pride in your country and all that, but I feel like that's just a narrow and extremely subjective of it.

I take the title "American" fairly lightly, because all it really means to me is that I live here. Sure I enjoy a lot of freedom which I definitely value, but to me that's more of just valuing my own human rights. I guess you could say that being an American is valuing that you aren't oppressed, but everyone, including Americans, are oppressed in some way or another. We all answer to some form of authority, and we all have to engage in actions that we do not wish to do at some point in our lives, whether we are rich, poor, white, black, hispanic or whatever. Authority in this sense can be good for maintaining social order and all that, but we are still "oppressed" nonetheless, even if it is in a lighter sense of the word than we are used to. I don't really have a clear answer to what it means to be an American (I welcome answers to this) but I know that everyone's answer is probably different.

To me it's basically just a label for the country that I live in, and while I value my personal freedoms here, people in many other countries enjoy these freedoms too, and I honestly don't see what would make us better than them. Sure we have a very mixed culture, but some would argue that this is a bad thing. I personally enjoy the mix most of the time, but then again, I haven't really experienced the alternative because I've lived here all my life. Once I take my eventual trip to Sweden (and hopefully more of Europe), then maybe I'll reflect back on this.

Sleep and Dreams

I've been saying this a lot lately, but I value my sleep a lot. I would say i value it way too much, but I believe that it is overall a good thing to value. I do value it too much under certain circumstances, such as when i have work that needs to be done and I decide that I need to go to sleep, but in the long run I think that this trait is beneficial. Making sure that I get a minimum of 6 hours of sleep a night (usually more) is a bit difficult sometimes, but I feel like it effects me positively in my mood and daily motivation. Like most people, I get irritable when I am lacking in sleep (ironically, I am right now), so why put myself in this situation when I can just get a good night sleep if I use a little initiative. Last night is an exception, because I got a good amount of sleep, I just didn't sleep that well.

Sleep has always interested me. As a child, I always tried to find that moment where I went from "awake" to "not awake", but I realized after a while that it was impossible to consciously do so. Dreams are also an interesting topic, but reading Freud has shed some light on that, even if it is a light of speculation and not fact. This morning I woke up and recalled the dream I had last night, and attributed each part of the dream to something going on in my life or an event that happened in the recent past, almost as if it was second nature or (Freud humor) unconscious. I'd like to think that Freudian methods haven't ingrained themselves into my unconscious, as I'm still not sure if I agree with them, but it's at least good to be informed and aware of Freud's speculative ideas.

Self Inflicted Helplessness

I have nothing against people who need help (I actually enjoy helping these people) but I do have an issue when people ACT helpless. There are many people out there making a valiant effort to control their lives and progress (as noted in my last entry), so it really puzzles me that so many people act as if there is nothing that can be done about their problems. Even when it comes to simple tasks, some people have become so attached to the idea that they are incapable, that they need others to cater to them in every way. Obviously you aren't going to succeed if you don't attempt in the first place. We all need to understand that we have to help ourselves before others can support us. I'm fortunate enough to know a good amount of people who live by this, but many others that I encounter are on the complete opposite end of the spectrum.

This was not influenced by any one person, but is actually a "bigger picture" thought that is influenced by the people I encounter while working in retail. There are people who I personally know that should take this message to heart, but not many that I currently speak to for this reason specifically.

Those in need should always met with an outstretched hand if they choose to accept it, but those who look for the outstretched hand to shield them from reality and live their life for them need to stretch out their own hand for a slap on the wrist. Or maybe just chop their arm off entirely. *cue angelic smiley*

Two Tributes (A Commendation and The Importance of the Individual)

Well now that I have some time, I can address a few different topics that have been in my thoughts lately. As I had said previous, one topic is a person that I personally know, and the other topic is a person that I have only read about.

The person who I know (who will not be named here) is someone I have not known for very long, but who I know a decent amount about. I see them as being above many other people in terms of intelligence and common sense for numerous reasons, but specifically for this: they may not be 100% in control of their life (are any of us fully?), but they at least make an intelligent effort to be on the right track, and they think of their life on a long term scale. It seems like this may be a fairly new way of thinking for them (I could be wrong about that), but I definitely and wholeheartedly commend them for making a step that many others are unable to make.

The second person is a man named John Stuart Mill. After studying his writings in one of my classes, I really connected with what he had to say. Mill stresses the importance of the individual in society, and claims that everyone should question the customs and traditions of their culture. If they find that those customs are right for them, they should, by all means, follow them, but if they do not feel that the customs fit in their lives, they should break away and find their own way of living.

Mill definitely valued the human mind, as he speaks about exercising it thoroughly. When an individual blindly follows the customs of another individual, he is simply conforming without question, and, in turn, not exercising his mind. When an individual questions and searches, he uses his powers of reason and deduction. He believed that there should be complete freewill of action and thought, as long as you do not impose the rights of others.

If the individual does not exercise their mind, then what reason is there for human existence? By breaking away from tradition, we are able to conceive new theories and ideas. Human progress is possible because of those who choose not to follow the norm. If we were all to conform, we should see no need to change the world around us. As Mill said, "...All good things which exist are the fruits of originality".

A Prelude

While I do not have time at the moment, there are two concepts that I wish to address at some time soon, hopefully tomorrow. These concepts are actually two people, one of which I know personally, and the other I do not, but they are somewhat related conceptually and have both been subjects of my recent thoughts. This is just for my own remembrance (and for whoever else may feel the need to read it) and will be elaborated on as soon as I am able to do so.

Points For Effort

While driving tonight I was considering the concept of effort. "Points for effort" is an expression that I hear from time to time, and it occurred to me...why would someone get praise for something they didn't accomplish? It's one thing to say "Oh it's ok, you'll get it next time" as a way of lightening the disheartening mood of not accomplishing or winning something, but the idea of praising for it seems a bit dangerous to me.

One idea, or at least in a situation where it is a parent and a child, the parent may give the child more credit than they deserve as a means of comfort. While I'm not saying not to comfort the child (in fact I believe that they should be comforted) this praise for failure may lull the child into a false sense of security, and they may end up believing that failure isn't so bad, which could lead to a rude awakening later in life. I'm not saying that any of this is probable (or improbable), but simply that it is possible that failure in our society is being downplayed in order to shelter the feelings of our children.If failure is downplayed, and our future generations believe that failure is simply a signal to press the reset button, then this issue may need to be ironed out.

After rereading this, it seems like I'm calling for an end to giving "points for effort", which is not what I'm trying to say at all. Giving praise can motivate a child, or anyone really, to put forth more effort in future attempts, and may give them the boost they need to exceed. We just can't give so much praise for failure that a child feels that failure on a larger scale is something that does not warrant concern, because then they will not be motivated to succeed in successive attempts, or may not even make successive attempts.

I believe that everything does happen for a reason, or at least that we should think that way when considering events. If a task is not accomplished the first time, then it serves as more of a motivation to complete it the second time.

This musing seems somewhat odd to me as I read it back, but I'm quite tired.

A Musing on Music and Thought

Well I've been wanting to make one of these for a while now, and I finally got around to it. Still getting the hang of it...hopefully I'll catch on.

I've been listening to a lot of Devin Townsend lately. At the very least, he's an amazingly talented musician and an overall genius. His solo project (The Devin Townsend Band) is music that is so unique and eclectic, and I couldn't even dream of the different types of music he listens to in order to develop such amazing stuff.

It would be quite awesome to be able to think on such a level that I'd be able to write a complete work of music on my own. To be able to think in terms of every instrument, how they all work, how they all sound independently and together, all of that just blows my mind.

To his credit or discredit (I'm not sure which, in terms of making the music) , he was on drugs for a while. I'd like to think he could make that amazing type of music without being under the influence of some substance, but I guess I'll see once his new project debuts this summer.

I think it's safe to say that all positive actions are done better when sober, or at least all that I can think of. Not to say that we should all live in permanent sobriety, but all progress is best when the mind is in its purest state. Some might argue that the mind works better when in an altered state, and I can't honestly refute that, but in terms of purity of thought, sobriety wins. After all, drunk words are sober thoughts, which implies that the physical expression of these thoughts is more likely when under the influences, but the thoughts are still present when sober.

I'm not fully sure how this relates to music...if maybe the mind can conceive (or dream of?) music when pure but expresses it better when under influence? To me that seems flawed, because there are plenty of sober musicians out there, but I guess there's always the question of whether they'd be better if they had their mind unnaturally altered. Personally, I feel like if the mind is pure, the thoughts are pure, and therefore the music is pure as well. The addition of outside influence may as well be using another mind entirely, because if it really does spark new or altered thoughts, they were not that person's pure thoughts anyway...OR, if we are applying the "drunk words are sober thoughts" principle, then the influential substance merely gives the person the courage or outlet to express the thoughts that have been present the whole time. If that's true, then the person, the musician included, only needs to be honest about their thoughts to gain access to the full power of their mind, and has no use for the influential substance, or at least this use is void. Sorry Bob Marley. Sure this is a lot more difficult than Bobby's alternative, but I feel (and I'm sure many will disagree) that this difficult way would also be much more fulfilling.

This makes the whole idea of being fully in touch with the self seem extremely easy (which it definitely isn't), but at least it's a start. If we aren't afraid of our own thoughts (or of what other people will think of them) , then it seems that we can be much more knowledgeable about ourselves, our thoughts, and the rest of the world.

PARALYZED, TERRORIZED,
IN MY EYES I'VE ALWAYS FALLEN
END THIS LINE, ENDLESS LIE
ENDLESSLY SO PIXILLATE ME
PARALYZED, TERRORIZED,
IN MY EYES I'VE ALWAYS FALLEN
END THIS LINE, ENDLESS LIE
ENDLESS LINES BUT STILL I'VE FALLEN

-Pixillate, Devin Townsend