Vagueness, Fear, Positivity

There is so much currently on my mind. As I try to gather it all together, there's one thing I realized. I cannot write 100% freely here. That fact has been in the back of my head for a while, but I've only actually admitted it recently.  There is one specific factor that prevents me from doing so. If that factor were to disappear, I feel like I would write much more than just musings and daily activities. But currently, it is in place, and my writing will remain partially stifled, whether I like it or not. 

The last few days have been rough. Nothing really has happened that was all that overwhelming, I'm actually sad to say it's something that I'm partially used to, but it has been mentally exausting nonetheless. I also realized that I no longer have an outlet (specifically a person) to vent these types of issus to. As generally as I'm speaking there, I'm talking about a specific issue, and in the past I've had a person to discuss this specific type of issue with. I currently have anyone currently to with I can talk about this, or at least not someone who is at the same level that previous ones were at. This lacking is not something that is extremely important, but I'm just not used to it. I appologize for vagueness, but please refer to the above paragraph. 

Something else that I've been thinking about is that, while the last few days have been rough, I'm currently in a particularly good mood. While this may seem like a good thing, which it very well may be, it still causes me to really think about my current situation, and how/why I'm happy during a rough time. 

I'm pretty sure I've also figured out my two biggest fears. Number 1: A problem I can't solve. Number 2: Change. I've known Number 1 for a while now, but I seem to keep reinforcing it. I find it extremely difficult to back off from a problem until I solve it, even if it sometimes makes the problem worse by doing so. As for Number 2, Change is a fairly common fear, but I never really though it was something I was afraid of until recently. Ironically enough, though, I can now see it in multiple aspects of my life. Even more ironic, I usually enjoy change after it happens, but actually mustering up the courage to fulfill it is what I get hung up on. Maybe I just taught myself a lesson by writing that. 

Overall, with all that's going on, I'm not scared for once. At least not at the moment. I feel like it changes every once in a while, but I currently have no fear of the near future whatsoever. While I really don't know how things are going to turn out, I welcome the future either way. I've learned to focus on the positive aspects of life when the negative ones show up, and I have way to many positive aspects right now to let something negative pull me down, no matter how big or significant it may be.

Reading this back, I think it's my longest blog to date. It's also the most in depth and person, with is ironic when you read back my first paragraph.